Reflections: Being Transgendered.

 This is something I have wanted to do for awhile now and finally got the courage to do it thanks to Cassie doing something similar on her blog. Unlike hers though Reflections will most likely only last until 31 Days of Halloween so I am calling this a 7-part mini series. The first part is something that I feel that I need to put out there as I don't think many people know what its like and honestly how could you unless you are tg yourself? I am putting out this disclaimer: these are my feelings and this is my story and how I am. Every transperson is different just like anyone else. Also I will be discussing suicidal thoughts as well so if that is a trigger you might want to skip this chapter. With that said....

 I have known that I was different since before I can remember. My sister once told me I asked her to make me a girl when I was little. In Elementary school I felt like I belonged with the girls and liked girl things. Eventually I realized that I was a girl inside. I kept this quiet for a very long time as I thought I was the only one and that I would be locked up in a mental hospital.

 Eventually, that would change and in a very odd way. One Saturday I was surprised to get Captain America in the mail. I had no clue why I got this comic as I had never rad it before. Mom would later tell me that she ordered it in one of those deals from the Toy Biz figures! I would read Cap for years, but that is not the point here. It was the second to the last part of the "Superia Strategem." In this part, Superia is attempting to turn Cap and Paladin into women. Wait a minute? If i'm the only one who thinks this way why is something like this in a comic book? This started me realizing that I was not the only one! What was even odder about all of this is what happened that night. I was watching "Night Court" like usual and the rerun was the one where Dan's friend Chip had gotten the sex change. He was a transsexual! I was like what?

 I was in ISS (In-School-Suspension) that week (yeah all of this conveniently happened all together so I feel I was supposed to know that time). Since the room was connected to the library and I had finished my work I went into the library (which was allowed as long as we talked to no one.) I immediately pulled the T volume of the encyclopedia (this was before the internet was widely used. My family would get the internet a year or so later and I would use AOL and IRC for more info lol). In the encyclopdia I discovered there was a surgery too. Eventually I would look through my mom's old school books (as she was a nurse and kept some) and learn a little more (as they were from the 70s there was very little info).

 Time would pass and I would make the mistake of telling the wrong person and that made me scared to tell anyone else but eventually I would. These people would understand. Many years went by and I became homeless (Oct 2001) again and I just lost hope. I felt I'd never be me (as I was still living as a man at this point) and gave up. I stood on the side of the road until I saw a car coming. I took a deep breathe and jumped. I went head first. Next thing I knew I was on the grass. My friend Susan (who I did not know was there) had grabbed my arm and forced me into the grass.

 This would lead into me going to a mental hospital, then San Francisco. I will get into that another time. I would eventually start hormones. I am going to take a moment here, many movies show us as being addicted to them and be crazy without them. This is not true. If we run out, we are fine just like any other medication. In fact, contrary to what was shown in "Transamerica", we aren't allowed to take the hormones for a week or two before our surgery due to complications.

  I am now in Indiana and not on hormones but plan to get back on them eventually, and this part is why I really wanted to do this particular post. I went to college, which I don't regret but it caused issues in the end. I can't regulate stress and that's one of many reasons that I can't work. While the stress built, it also brought to surface my Gender issues. See, i'm not happy. One of the main issues is I still am a pre-op transsexual.

 You might have noticed I have been off and on with posts lately (now I am scheduling them to stay on schedule) this is due to the fact that my depression has worsen. In fact if it weren't for my cat Kara, My father, my support system (Case Manager, Psychiatrist, and therapist), Brother Midnight (who I talk to regularly), and my very best friend Cassie, I would not be here.  The suicidal thoughts have gotten worse. What was scary was instead of me taking a train (jumping in front of one) I started thinking of hanging myself. You don't need to worry because I have a great support system and the suicidal thoughts normally just last for a few minutes or so but the depression lasts and then I am not able to do anything for days.

  Transgenderism is no joke, we lose many transpeople every year due to suicide. I hear people say well why did you choose this? Simple Answer: I didn't. In fact, I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy. It is a tough life. I literally threw out my girl stuff back when I lived in Georgia 2 or 3 times because I tried to be the boy I was supposedly supposed to be, I think one reason people don't want to believe this is not a choice (even though their is scientific proof proving its not) is that they refuse to think God made a mistake. Guess what? I don't think he did (and I don't even consider myself a Christian and I'm saying this)! I believe we are here for a reason. If I hadn't been TG I would have never became who I am and help those who I have or talked to any of you! No God did not make a mistake. He has us here to learn and help and maybe to test others who judge. Remember the bible itself says not to judge or you'll be judged yourself. I'm not trying to offend anyone but i'm just saying how I feel. 

  I am 40 now and it does feel like I will never get the operation and that is hard but you know something? I am still not going to give up! Why? Because I can't, my friends need me, my family needs me, my cat needs me, the world needs me. I am here for a reason and so are you. I hope this post has helped you understand me a little (and transgenders) and who knows maybe I helped a transgender out as well!

  Life can be difficult for everyone and I am definitely not saying mine is worse and honestly? I am glad that I have gone through what I have because it shaped me into who I am. Sometimes its a really great idea to do reflections!


  1. I'm glad to be of help !I learn a little more about you everyday ,its like reading an Alexis noval :) No jumping in front of anything moving! If you die prematurely I will haunt your afterlife with my ouija board collection and you will never get any rest so don't even think about it.

    1. Yeah I appreciate it. Thats the idea these are little chapters of my life to let people know more and it helps me process stuff too. Yeah that would suck having you haunt my afterlife.

  2. Thank you for sharing your story.


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